Life can get better

It's hard to undo what you've already done. What's worse it's hard for to you to recover the change that caused it. I've made mistakes--so many since I started making the wrong decisions during my teenage years. Even w/ a slight feeling of inferiority complex, I've always believed in me--well, atleast w/ the decisions I make everytime. I never really cared on what others may say--specially people whom are NOT my family. But what's grand about it was I stood up for all those mistakes. God sure gave me so much strenght to endure all that. But now that I've grown up, it's hard to bring back the respect I lost caused by selfish and childish decisions. I know I sound like a broken record but it's my 38th year on this cruel world and so I want to set things right. I try very hard to manage my anger--not to bring it out to someone else. I try very hard to be very patient--and I feel good! I now pay attention to MYSELF and to people that love me more than I love them. I guess living almost half of my life trying to please other people is not that bad. It's about time I focus on me. I don't plan to be selfish, tough, hahaha! I just don't want to to do things that I know will please other people more than it pleases me. I just want to enjoy life and all the blessings that come my way. I know I don't have much but hey! it's all I need.

I brought in the jinx=(

Pain and frustration seem quite synonymous to me the past weeks...If I'm not in despute w/ my lovely twin sis over financial matters w/ our mom, I'm on the verge of breaking up w/ my hubby...OR just like now, my bro and his bitch are up against me once more...Grrrr!!! I really wish I could vanish, for even just a few days...Moreover, I miss the quiet life me and my kids had some 3 years ago...I just hope my hubby & I find a house far from here...far, far from everybody!!! I really want to go to a foreign country and just live for my hubby and kids...In as much as I don't want to demand for what I've done, sometimes I can't help but do that...I mean when did I ever put myself 1st over my siblings? Though I always made it a point to prioritize my siblings' welfare, I felt happy doing it...I love taking care of them...It just pains me sometimes that I feel kindda neglected and not getting the respect I deserve...
To my bro, whom I truly love and care for, you know deep in your heart I've ALWAYS been there for you---When you got your wife pregnant, it was I who went w/ you for support when your soon to be inlaws then called you to discuss possible measures on how to deal w/ then your 16 year old wife to be...I was there when all our other siblings weren't...You ran to me everytime you and your wife had petty issues...And I always welcomed you in my home...You came to me when you had your trial separation and I took you in for about a month w/ nothing in return...I tried to understand your way of thinking and I tried being objective when it came to you and our younger bro's feuds...Again, I was the one who took you in when finally you and your wife of 16 years decided to call it quits...Again, as much as my finances would allow me, w/ nothing in return...I even called 1 of my female acquaintances who was 1 of the very few unattached friends I had that time to keep you company...And I never imagined that would be the cause of our doom as siblings...
To tell you honestly, none of our siblings really liked you when we were kids..Much more now that we've grown up---it's most probably bcoz of your somewhat self centered character...But not me--I love you--for what and who you are! I simply feel the magic of brotherhood in us...And even if I know you'll find this very hard to believe, I would never do anything to hurt you deliberately...or to hinder your happiness...I really feel bad that our status is becoming worst...It's not that I want things to go back to normal, I know they won't, well not when you and your bitch are still together...I feel bad we came to this point...Never in my entire life had I made enemies w/ anyone...This is my 1st time--and you had to be it..how sad...
Bro, I must admit I,too have my own faults in this matter...And I am truly sorry...I've apologized but I guess I have no space in your heart right now...
I keep on praying NOT for us to patch things up and be as we were, but for God to shed truth on all the lies that has been built up and believed in...I love you bro...
And to the bitch who served as a jinx since the beginning, I can only pray for you--prayer is the only way for you to realize what you've done...It only shows you grew up w/o a family bzoz you destroyed ours...May God forgive you for what you've done...

4 year curse

I'm not quite sure if it was all just a coincidence but yep, most significant parts of my personal life lasted for 4 years...1st up my 1st love and the father of my adorable children--we went steady for 4 years before I got pregnant w/ my 1st child...we were on and off for 4 years before we finally called it quits...the I had a boyfriend and we lasted 4 years...now I have my present boyfriend and our relationship sure is one hell of a ride...we would fight like crazy---cursing and saying the most painful of words but always end up making passionate love...we've been living together for 4 years and I've never seen him like this...I feel he's not the man I fell inlove with and I can't help but think sometimes is he just pissing me off so that our break up would come from me??? Is the 4 year curse taking it's place again in my life???? I still love love this man deeply and I feel we've gone so far for us to split...But even though I'm a bad person at times, I can confidently say that selfishness is not one of those bad qualities I have...I simply cannot have someone w/ me and I know he's not happy...I simply am not built that way...For me life is short and so we have to make our lives happy and fullfilling as much as we can...Why should we torture ourselves, right? I mean if we feel that our union is getting nowhere, I guess I would be more than happy to let him go---for he has a wonderful wife and daughter to go back to...I just hope & pray that God gives us both the strenght to accept the reality if ever we weren't meant for each other..on the other hand, if we are meant, may God give us both the patience to make our relationship work...

our dreaded PARTERS

youre not the only one who feels this way....i have this feeling almost all the time with A...and the same with you, the dreaded question is : why are you like this to me?...what have i done to you?...theyre the ones who had/has many flaunting flaws & faults so its obvious that we dont deserve to be disrespected & ignored...these men are lucky that we are still here, surviving their treatments to us...of course, juz like them, we're not PERFECT but we certainly dont deserve to feel LOW & SHITTY...AS & FC probably are the best thing that happened to us..but dear sis, the way i see it, we're still with them because we can still handle it...but if we feel that we cant longer be with them, then thats the time we REALLY have to decide: should & could i still be with this man?....do i still love him?...

i am still where i am because i luv A....i still cant imagine how to live without him...to be physically away from him is the farthest thing i can handle but to think that he wont be part of our lives as my husband is the thing i cant bear to imagine (at least not yet)...we will pray for GUIDANCE from GOD...thats the only thing we can do....i know talking to F will probably be a waste of time and will juz lead to nowhere but more doubts, disagreements & arguments..so there's nothing to do but PRAY and still hope for the best....i know you still love him...otherwise you wont be this affected...there's a movie that says : if there's still LOVE then thats something to hang on to....

maybe our partners juz need an ultimatum because i also believe that the reason why theyre this way to us is because we ALLOWED it !!!....we extended our patience with them because we love them that much....we showered them with lotsa love, trust and chances hoping that they would do the same to us...but instead, they took advantage of it....they doubt us that much because theyre the ones who's being UNTRUE....they think that since theyre doing it, they dont want that to happen to them...so thats theirr DEFFENSE MECHANISM....

im still not loosing hope for you & F....

Ang gulo!

Lamko paulit ulit na ito...kung ako nga sawang sawa na sa pagsasalita ng ganito, anu pa kaya yung mga palaging nakakarinig...
Matagal na ren tyong magkakilala...matagal din naman tayo naging magkaibigan bago naging tayo...ibang iba ka talaga nung tropa palang tayo...sa totoo lang, nung nalaman ko na hiwalay na kayo ng misis mo (ito yung nagsinungaling ka na di na kayo magkasama sa iisang bahay!), malaki talaga ang pinagtaka ko..kasi nakita ko nun na sobrang bait ka...at pinagpala pa ng isang matipuno at maganda pangangatawan...at di lang yun, isa ka pang lisenshadong civil engineer! naisip ko "san ka fah???"...bukod sa mabait, may ichura ay mataas pa pinag aralan mo! naisip ko din na kung ako ang naging asawa mo cguro, kahit na mambabae ka pa cguro ay never akong papayag na maghiwalay tayo..na gagawin ko ang lahat para maging buo ang pamilya naten para sa ating anak...na sisikmurain ko nalang ang pambababae mo tutal nasayu na naman ang madaming katangian na maganda...
Di nagtagal ay may namuong magandang pagtitinginan saten...marahil ay dahil parati tyong magkasama nun...at kung aking maalala ay kagagaling ko lang sa isang relashon...yoko pa nga sana pumatol sayo kasi sariwa pa ang sakit sa katatapos ko lang na relashon..pero pursigido ka talaga at diko namalayan na na inlove naku sayu ng tuluyan...ang sasaya nung mga araw na yun! at eto na, isang araw bigla mong inamin saken na nagsasama pa kayong mag asawa pero wla na kayong pakialamanan...ganun??? ano ako? high school? at maniniwala akong wlang nangyayari sa inyong mag asawa habang magkasama kayo sa isang bahay at natutulog sa iisang kama katabi ang inyong unika iha...nagulat ako at shempre nasakatan! at kahit na sobra na kitang mahal nun at pinilit kong iwasan ka...pero lalo kang nagpursige...wla akong nagawa kungdi ang tanggapin kang muli...at pinag promise kita na "wag na wag mo akong sasaktan"...shempre nag pramis ka...
Dumaan ang panahon..masaya ang naging samahan naten--wlang away...nagsimula lang tayo magka problema nung pinalayas ka sa inyo at nagsama na tayo sa iisang bahay...pera ang lagi naten pinagtatalunan kasi gs2 mong tipirin ang pera mo para makasama mo ang anak mo tuwing weekend...kahit sa bahay ay di kita inobliga nung una kasi akala ko kaya kong buhayin ka pero kinapos nako..dun na nagsimula ang wlang katapusang away sa pera...gs2 mo kasi wag na magbigay saken kasi namamashal kayo ng anak mo kada weekend...ok lang naman yun..anak mo naman yun..problema di kaya ng sweldo ko at si Cay ayaw ng magpadala simula nung nalaman nya na nagsasama na tyu..dapat daw magtulungan tayo...
Alam ko masasakit mga sinabi ko sayo noon...At hanggang ngayon ay pinagdudusahan ko pa yun kasi hanggang ngayon ay sinasampal mo yun sa mukha ko! kung maibabalik ko lang ang panahon, di na sana kita tinanggap sa bahay ko...di nalang sana tayu nagsama sa iisang bahay para naiwasan naten lahat ng naging away naten nun...oh well, andito na eh..panindigan nalang...
Sa totoo lang, dami mong ugaling diko nakita nung di pa tyu nagsasama...laging gulat ko talaga! hnde ko alam kung saken ka lang ganito or pati sa misis mo at ibang ex...ngayon ko na-realize kung bakit kayu naghiwalay..ako kasi sa sandaling panahon ng pagsasama naten ay sumuko nako sa ugali mo...nabilib pa nga ako sa misis mo at nakatagal sha sayo..yun ay marahil dahil kasal kayo, legal na mag asawa ta may anak...pinagdasal ko sa Dyos na makatakas sana ako sa kasalanan nagawa ko...na wag sana akong maparusahan sa pakikiapid...kung ako lang naman ang nasunod ay ayoko na sana talaga...dito pumapasok ang kasabihan "God moves in mysterious ways"..diko kasi alam kung bakit Nya hinahayaan ang makasalanan na pagsasama naten, bakit di Nya dinggin ang dasal ko na makaahon na sa kasalanan...
Sa ngayon ay namumuhay tyo ng malayo sa isa't isa...ito na marahil ang sagot ng Dyos sa matagal ko ng dasal...lamu, sobra kitang mahal eh! sobra kitang miss at gustong gusto na kitang kasama..ang problema lang ay nakakaramdam ako ng malaking takot kasi sa tuwing magkasama tyo, kahit magkausap lang sa Web Messenger ay hindi ko lam ikikilos ko...palagi nalang kitang tinatancha...lahat ng gawin ko ay may meaning sayo...pag sad ako sa dami ng stress ko dito ay inis ka at sinasabing wag ako sad at stressed kasi masama yun saken..pag happy naman ako ay nagbibiro ka na masaya at blooming ako at baka may iba akong lalaki dito...gusto kitang mas mahalin at pagpasenshahan pa kasi sa laki ng ginhawang nagagawa mo samen ng pamilya ako pero ang dating nun sayo ay kaya ako ganun ay dahil sa may pera ka na..pag naging cold naman ako ay iniisip mo na kahit na anung gawin mo ay basura paren ang tingin ko sayu...diko na talaga lam ang gagawin ko..gabi gabi nalang ako umiiyak...hnde ko talaga lam kung anung gs2 mo..kung bakit ang hirap naten magkasundo...kaya minsan naiisip ko, kahit na ayoko, mas maigi nga na magkalayo nalang tyo..kasi bukod sa kumikita ka ng malaking pera para sa mga luho mo at para sa anak, magulang at mga kapatid mo, ay iwas tayo sa mga away kahit na papanu...
I'm praying everyday to God to take me out of this sin...But while I'm still in it, I pray that God gives me the patient to ALWAYS be patient w/ you and to try to understand your character...

Love for Music

It runs in our family...as far as I know both our parents are music lovers...we grew up hearing music all the time, either from our dad's car stereo or mom's radio...And now all our kids got it...

Many thanks to my twin sis a.k.a. bestest friend for giving me this...This simple tiny gadget can simply do wonders! It can turn my worn out day into bright, new & fresh! When I'm down, I just listen and I feel o.k.! Good thing I was able to input most of my favorite songs...It's capacity suits me...I mean I don't mind having an IPOD nano, video, etc. (;>) but the one that I now have gets the job done..

Thank you God for the gift of music!

Oooops! I did it again=(

I am sorry! How tactless could I get??? How insensitive of me!!! I really hate myself!!! GRRR!!! I feel great when I know I hepled someone in my own little way...but now, I feel terrible!!! AS IN!!! It's nobody's fault but mine...It was clearly instructed to me never to let him know, that it has to be for mom's expenses..and what did i do??? I spilled the beans!!! I know (& feel) even though you're trying to hide it from me for me not to worry too much...I know I caused something negative...I'm so sorry!!! I wish I can undo what I just did!!! I am sorry!!! Thank you for sending me a copy of the email...This has been a realization for me all the more...I know now how stressed you must be every month bcoz of mom's expenses...I promise to help in anyway I can...I am now spending doubletime in looking for work...I really feel bad about what I did..And now I pray to God that He shows us all the right path....